Good Shepherd
surprisingly Jared woke up early today.
we went for Mass at Good Shepherd Cathedral at City Hall.
old old church. in need of restoration. no aircon. bad sound system.
and a priest who speak with a weird spanish accent.
suddenly, i appreciate my Holy Trinity a whole lot more.
it's a wonderful parish, an aircon church, inspiring priests.
and close to home. OLPS is great too.
i've been thinking since i came home.
thinking alot.
maybe it's time i should let go. let him grow.
i should not worry so much and watch out for him so much.
he's old enough already. he is matured enough too.
he has someone he loves and loves him. albeit they fight at times.
but he is happy. and that's all that matters to me.
the bottomline is: he doesn't need me anymore.
i'll still be around for him, walking in the shadows.
i'll still be the friend whom he can rely on when he's heart broken.
but i should cease being so protective over him.
it's time i should start living my life fulfillingly.
indulge in art. study my religious books. pray.
play sports. spend time doing voluntary work.
i should really start spending my time wisely.
life is indeed short.
i want to fulfil my mission and glorify God.
i'm sure he didn't sent me to Earth and live life the mundane way.
there is a plan for each of us. but are we willing to listen and take heed?
chjimes
had dinner with Johnny earlier. food was quite bad and expensive.
really not worth it. shall not go CHIJMES for dinner next time.
the food there is only palatable to fat white trash and their SPG trash cans.
no elegance, no taste. oh well.
thank God the company was good otherwise i'll jus be so pissed.
i'll stick to MoonFish at Millenia Walk. give me my fresh button mushrooms!
met up with Huiling, Dawn, Benson for beer session.
brought Johnny along. Josh came later as well.
bah. trashy session. god damn it. we were supposed to go to Ice Cold Beer.
i was looking forward to that. or somewhere along Acid Bar.
good drinks, good music, and good crowd to look at.
stupid Benson INSISTED on Bistro beside Intercon Building.
whole load of white punk kids and their female counterparts.
warm humid weather. bad food, very limited drinks list and flat beer. what the hell.
it'll be better of if we sticked to coffee at Kopi Club. least there's aircon.
really pissed. doesn't help when he keeps going on about Taiwan and HK with Johnny.
the story never changes and by the way, i am so not interested.
and i rightly guess that i am not the only one who felt that way.
i don't take beer. given a must, it'll be Kilkenny, HoeGaarden and Leffe.
no Tiger, Heineken or Carlsberg. that's trashy.
one thing i really don't like is, Benson is someone who doesn't know when to give in.
everytime when we go out as a group, he picks the places. (read: INSIST)
how un-democratic is that behavior. very selfish on a personal note.
considering that he is the ONLY one who loves beer. not all of us do.
it's like... we're alwiz dragged along by him to wherever he wants to go.
and the conversation will be about him and HK again. B-O-R-I-N-G.
any drinking session with Alan-Benny, or Don is far far better than this.
least there's alwiz a topic going around. least it's fun company.
gonna pick my drinking buddies wiser the next time.
Michele is the prime choice of course!
i mean... when you're going out with a group of friends,
do consider what other people's preferences are.
it's a give and take situation. be thoughtful and people wil adore you.
if you keep going against the ebb of the flow, it only shows your weaknesses.
a nice Sat evening would be... a nice dinner. a coffee / dessert. a movie.
jus something relaxed. by the way, i HATE people smoking around me.
that is so INCONSIDERATE. i do not want to die young if lung cancer.
so just go somewhere else to puff. not blowing it right in my face. asshole.
if you wanna clog your lungs with tar, go ahead. see ya in hell.
but don't bring me along. i am aiming for the heavenly gates.
to hell with all smokers...
okay... Josh complained tt i don't write good things about him.
here goes baby. thank you for taking the one hour train down to Orch.
get scratched by me, get scolded by me. and dragged home by me an hour later.
sorry that you have to carry my groceries. hugs. love you! such a sweet lovable Doggie!
demons and angels
watched Constantine yesterday at J8.
for those who have yet to caught it, too bad. i'm going to review it anyway.
firstly, it's a very enthnocentric film.
don't tell me it's Hollywood.
it's the mainstream American discrimination towards the colored people.
the devil's son possesed a Hispanic man from Mexico.
that Mexican was a dirt poor garbage rummager..
dirt poor man kills American white guy to steal his car and illegally enters LA.
implicit notion: Hispanics are mostly bad. they're mainly those who commit crime in USA.
they kill without guilt.
right... no one said that this stereotype was over-rated.
number of Afro-Americans and Hispanics in prison are blown up in proportion to their population.
who are the communicators between the mankind and demons?
who can hear the devil speak? who can 'see' the beings of the netherworld?
ohh... it's those schizophrenic mental patients! it's those psychiatric patients in mental hospitals.
*applause applause*
another fine example of mainstream Americans discrimination act towards the mentally handicapped people. psychiatric = devil's advocate. suicide cases are encouraged by the devil.
wow. and no apologies offered towards those whom they insulted. such gracious behavior.
secondly, Catholicism and exorcism.
let me clarify this. Catholicism does not believe in Exorcism.
at least in this contemporary era.
no, no possession of the body by demons. no priest as cute as Constantine either.
what's with horror flicks and Catholicism?
i know that Catholicism has a really long history dating back to the Roman times,
the Church has always been very shy from the public eye, we've got monastery and all..
but it doesn't mean that we deal with the supernatural!
they should really check out the Toaist priest instead. more fun. jungle bells and waving swords.
thirdly, it's about the distortion of the Bible.
Christ was speared by a soldier indeed. and it's believe that the Holy Grail holds his blood.
congratulations to the successful commericalization of religion. wow..
Da Vinci Code and now Constantine. what's next? David and Goliath?
c'mon. there's no spear of destiny for God's sake.
and the dried blood on the spear (if there's ever one) cannot give birth to the son of Satan!
by the way, there isn't the Holy Bible (Hell version either).
Gabriel the archangel is not a fallen angel as depicted in the movie.
Gabriel is an archangel who brings good news to the world, and shields us from evil with the sword of fire.
and why do demons look like alien? bloody hell. can't Hollywood be more creative?
well... you can find both heaven and hell on Earth.
jus look around you. the eternal struggle between the good, the evil and the neutral.
want to see hell? i'll show you.
go to the night clubs.
promiscuous sex. heavy chained smoking. drug abuse. rape. murder.
go to the office.
siphoning of money. unapproved transaction. insider trading. cheats. scams.
go home.
adultery. extra-marital affairs. underage sex. incest.
want to see heaven? i'll give it to you.
voluntary organizations. counselling groups. help-lines.
botanic gardens, zoo, beaches, mountains.
friends, family, love.
therefore, we don't have to wait till we're dead to see both hell and heaven.
it's on Earth we already experience and account for both.
it's not demons that are scary. it's not ghosts that haunts people.
it's human nature that's scary. it's human guilt and conscience that haunts people.
it's not heaven that's beautiful. it's not saints that bless us.
it's human who seeks his own blessing through discipline and repent.
where's God?
God is watching over us.
God is the happiness we feel when we share and care.
God is the conscience that urges us not to fall to sin.
Gos is the love that warms out lonely hearts.
ash to ash. dust to dust.
ash kitty
the state land behind my house caught fire again!
it's the 2nd fire in 3 days! what has the SCDF been doing? *screams*
now my hse is dusty with ash. burnt leaves flying around.
a whole lot of mosquitos.
and i smell smoked regardless of the number of times i bathe!!!
ash kitty. grey, smokey and itchy. the ash is irritating my skin!
*scratch scratch all over*
i wanna watch White Noise, Closer (Jude Law. Julia Roberts), Hide And Seek (Robert De Niro. Dakota Fanning). anyone interested? gimme a buzz yah.
i enjoy suspense thrillers though i often can't sleep after that.
some people simply love to pay and scare the wits out of themselves. muahahah!
Josh's been pretty busy with studies lately, that he's got no time for me!
and so i am mad at him. call me a not-understanding girlfriend, call me tyrannic.
end of the day, i am a girl. i need love, i need attention, i need security.
he doesn't date me anymore.
he doesn't call me out for movie, or dinner or just chill out.
he doesn't plan any surprises. too many "doesn't"s.
everytime he suggest movie during weekends, i lament that it's expensive.
during weekdays, we can't stay out late.
he suggest going to the beach, i complain that it's hot.
he suggest staying at home, i don't like that idea.
the result: we get nowhere. i get pissed. he gets confused.
the relationship now lacks lustre. the sparks are long gone, what's left are ashes and smoke.
i find it hard to communicate with him.
he doesn't know when i'm pissed, and he can't coax me out of it.
he doesn't know when be more masculine; when to be more sensitive.
i've failed in many ways to make him feel better abotu himself too.
i alwiz put him down for the sake of being sarcastic.
why can't life be simpler?
maybe if i treat him the same way i treat my friends, this rship would be a whole lot better.
i give in to my friends, i am diplomatic enough to be liked by people, i am thoughtful.
even if i don't wanna watch Constantine, i agreed to watch it with Luke coz we've not been out together in ages. a good time to catch up.
thus, if i treat Joshua the same way as i treat my good friends...
it'll be much better for him emotionally. and the same for me.
well, i used to be much sweeter and nicer to him. that was when we were friends.
but as time passed, i got more demanding and irritable.
i'll flare when i don't get what i want (without specifying what i want or knowing what i want)
i'll flare when he hugs me when i'm all hot and perspiring.
i'll flare when he messes up my time schedule or when he's acting childish.
i'll just probably snap at everything he does. in retrospect, it's emotional abuse.
maybe it's really time to treat him just as a good friend, rather than a boyfriend.
of course though still remaing as a couple. i meant changing my perspectives.
i know what i am so harsh, mean and demanding on him.
and it's not the first time i am acting this way.
the last time i behaved like this was when i was angry at my Dad in Sec 3-4.
i was angry at him breaking promises about taking me out.
i was angry at him spending time with his girlfriend when he is with me.
i was angry that he was so busy with work that i hardly get to see him.
i refused to understand my Dad's circumstances and position.
i refused to understand that he's trying his best to provide for the family.
i refused to understand that he's human too. he's physically and emotionally tired.
i was just being stubborn.
this time, i'm angry with Joshua. and i am being stubborn again.
i refused to acknowledge that he is struggling with his studies having done badly last sem.
i refused to acknowledge that he can't my mind and my moods coz he is not me.
i refused to love him for his innocence and childishness.
in the case of my Dad, it took a long while to not be angry at him.
he wanted to throw me for counselling. i learnt to open up and share with him.
i cried, he cried. i know i wasn't supposed to me angry at him.
he didn't want to upset me either. just that we all got to do what we got to do.
all for livelihood and family. we work. we endure, we achieve.
my Dad's a great father. he may not be the best husband, but he sure is the loveliest Dad.
with Joshua, i don't know when will i stop being angry at him.
but a good small step to start of with is by stop insisting on my expectations.
letting go of control over how things should be and handing the reigns over to God.
in Him in trust.
serial dreamer
such a bad sleep i had last nite.
first i tossed and turned in bed till 1.30am.
then, i kept dreaming!
i dreamt that Joshua bought a new car.
a Honda Prelude. sleek sexy babe.
okay, the Prelude is one of those psuedo-sports car i approve of.
then we went on a joy-ride. hmmm.... somewhere down Novena's stretch of road.
but Joshua looks really cool and suave in that car. whoopee!
i dreamt that we took Jared along! and dumped him in the back seat...
Jared was so impressed by the car.
and Jared did his RCIA without me! i was so angry! hahah!
but it's all a dream. hee... i just don't want to be left behind when everyone else did their RCIA.
i dreamt that Liz bought a car too.
Benz SLK. yep. tai-tai's convertible. then we went shopping.
so nice rite? wear slinky halter tops, white cig pants, big Gucci shades, little bags...
and we went to some old HDB estate to eat dim dum... so out of place.
dream me a little dream.
i rather sleep without dreams. everytime i dream, i wake up tired. damn.
Velvety nite
last nite really sucked.
was down at Velvet by 10pm. that's so damn early for clubbing.
best part: there's only Joshua and i!
how boring can it get?
Hui Ling went home to study. Johnny's at a concert so he'll be down really late.
met Jason. he's okay to chat with but he had too much a drop later in the nite.
Joshua's frens were watching soccer.
i don't know what with these people.
Jason, Johnny, Mitch... they all speak with a psuedo-American slang.
by the way, they're not ABCs too. it jus makes me wonder, does one sem of student exchange or one month of vacation in USA changes a person's accent that greatly?
to me, it's all in the mind.
nway as the story goes, it's just my boyfriend and i, chilling out together, staring at each other.
well. we do it all the time. going to Velvet to chill out is simply stupid.
but since i was the one who insisted on going to Velvet, i'm the stupid one here.
no fault of Joshua's. he didn't suggest going to Velvet. i was the one insisting on going.
no, there ain't any air stewardesses last nite.
it was packed with old office ladies, women whom i can safely call 'aunties',
'uncles' who are lonely and sleazy, and yes, the quinessential fat white trash.
what a nite. Phuture was packed with Malays!
bloody hell. all those mat-rocker punks. yucks.
they were spinning break-beats.
lesson learnt. never head down to Zouk Club on Sat nites.
it'll be far more wirthwhile to watch a movie, chill out at Coffee Club or stay home =)
oh! i was picked up by a China man!!! can you believe it? CHINA man!
arrgghh!!!! i so can't believe my luck! it's either Indian or China... WTF!
where are all the pathetic S'porean men?
then again, if they did try to pick me up, i'll probably reject them. hahah!
i love to break people's self esteem and trash their egos outta the window.
that China man came up to me while i was waiting outside for Johnny,
"do you speak Chinese?" i was like... "yah, i do."
then he asked me in Mandarin "are you waiting for someone?" "yes, i am".
then i gave him a cold stare. hahah! that shoo-ed him away.
c'mon for God's sake! he was wearing t-shirt, shorts, black socks and black shoes.
golly! it's Zouk! who the hell dresses like that to Zouk?! even other China pple don't wear that!
his fair skin and hairy legs and black socks was enough to induce regurgitation of my dinner...
the music was pretty alright. Joshua like my Apples Sourz drink.
oh please! u only can get Apples Sourz at Velvet! and Bubbly-fusions too!
but i was really bored. and very pissed.
the crowd wasn't fun. there's only 2 of us, though Johnny came much later.
the atmosphere ain't right. there's no party mood in the air. it's just 3 of us.
bah! it would have been far better if we went for movie or something.
i would have loved to stayed home and study. do my readings. brush my tutorials.
but man.... i have a life! i attempt to 'happen-ize' too! i wanna live life the fulfilling way!
i can study 24/7, settle into a mundane repetitive routine. study, work, sleep.
but what's the joy in living then? better off dead in my opinion.
oh well. whatever.
it's Sunday so i should be thankful for what i'm blessed with.
hell fuck.
it's me. i'm insatiable.
off to my porch to sip tea and admire bonsai plants. later pple.
flowers
picked up a big bouquet on my way home last nite.
i estimated it cost $55 and above.
fresh lovely bouquet beautifully wrapped in peach colored paper.
2 sunflowers, 4 champagne roses, and a whole lots of other little flowers and leaves.
it eludes warmth and joy. i was melted at first sight.
but... it was stuffed into the rubbish bin! (no, it wasn't inside the bin, too big to pass through)
all pretty, expensive and yet lonely and unwanted.
such irony. i felt sad for that bouquet.
i took it out of the bin, had a good look.
it's still so fresh! and the end of the bouquet was still cold.
that means that it came from the florist not long ago.
the petals were young and tender, without any heat stress signs.
i decided to bring it home. unwrapped it. put it in a vase.
now it's all pretty and loved in my living room. yay!
i was wondering why the bouquet ended up in the bin.
scenario 1:
girl doesn't dare to bring the bouquet home, fearing that her parents will question her.
appreciated the thought. but as compared to parental disapproval, parents win.
byebye to bouquet.
scenario 2:
boy meets girl. girl quarrels with boy, and breaks up with boy.
even the bouquet fails to please her. therefore, boy's dejected. dumps bouquet.
scenario 3:
boy meets girl. realizes it's the wrong type of flowers. dumps bouquet for a new one.
whichever the case is, this poor pretty thing is sitting in my house now.
pls treat your flowers with love, care and attention. they were once a living plant.
they bring colors and joy to the world. they scent the winds with their floral perfume.
thus, they ought to be respected =)
nway, it's been a fucking lousy day. so fuck the world.
everyone's busy. no one's free to go out with me.
fucking bored. Liz cancelled Velvet so i have fucking no plans coz i rejected everyone earlier.
Mich's out at SAM with Jon. Don's out with the other honours students at Wala Wala.
Hui Ling is out watching french movies.
fuck. i am fuckin bored.
here i am sitting at home starring at my lappie's screen when everyone's else out.
had 2 glasses w Don n his frens at Wala Wala earlier. fun intellectual sparring.
but they're quite aggressive. i prefer sessions where it's just me and Don.
Josh? don't talk about Josh.
i am having great difficulty talking to him. it's like talking to an oxen.
and i'm irritated by him nway.
it does take alot to annoy me badly.
but screwing up my time schedules and upsetting me 2 days in a row is a winner.
he never tells me whether certain events are confirmed, whether changes have been made etc.
he never plans! and he's so stressed about his work. fine. then go focus on your work!
whatever.
fuckin pissed with this world.
Genki T
hahah! bought something for myself jus now.
Genki Slimming Tea!!!
yes, the product with that plump S.H.E gal endorsing.
yepz, the floral tea slimming product!
it's $30 for 12 packets. each packet can be used 5 times.
kinda worth it i think. $0.50 per cup. cheaper than soft drinks.
it taste of flowers, herbs and mint.
heady herbiceous note with a cool mint finishing.
full green tea body. slightly sweet of nectar.
pretty okay. Grandma likes it! she finds it really refreshing.
she was wondering why the tea sachet says shou in chinese (meaning thin).
i on the other hand was wondering whether the slimming tea will work on the already thin Grandma! hahah! let's see whether it works!
whatever it is, floral tea is good for health. rich in anti-oxidants and catechins.
it tastes great after a heavy oily meal of deep fried pork ribs and scallop porridge.
i wanna be more voluptous and curvy!
i don't wanna be stick thin but more feminine and sexy.
with ample breasts, perky butt and slim wasit. yes! look like Barbie doll!
gonna keep my hair long as well. then curl it at its ends. dye it chestnut brown. yay!
give me a little more time k? Veen wants to look prettier and sexier... =/
but Josh thinks that i am kinda thin already. if take more slimming tea, wil really become a stick.
but that depends on whether or not the slimming tea works right? muahahah!
he wants me to gain a bit more flesh as to look curvy. he feels that girls must have some flesh for guys to grope... like a Cello! the Cello is big and not as delicate, but it has a proprtionate waist and is nice to hug. is it true? slim somewhere and i'll be flat chested! my boobs are shrinking! sob!
had dinner with Josh at Crystal Jade today.
the fried pork ribs with garlic is fantastic!
and so is the braised beef brisket. their vege are okay.
the thing about Crystal Jade dinner is this:
must have more people to share the food! then can order more dishes!
it's really lonely to have a nice chinese dinner with only 2 persons.
no one to share the spread with, or chat with while enjoying our food.
did i mention that they serve really fresh kickin prawns! damn fantastic!
i miss my Jared. owe that punk a treat. he treated me to 2 dinners.
yet to reciprocate. it's not that i don't want to, but it's him who's alwiz busy and all.
i told him that my offer's standing eternally, just waiting for him for claim that dinner ticket. heh.
i really do wanna take him out somewhere nice, buy him dinner and drinks.
it's been way too long since we really relaxed and enjoyed ourselves.
i was thinking of dinner and New Asia Bar. admire the scenery from above.
but i doubt that he'll appreciate it. a dinner and movie sounds more grounded. hahah!
otherwise maybe a couple of drinks at Phuture. kinda wasteful though..
i can do more stuff with the same amount of money out of Phuture.
their drinks are expensive... then again, he's alwiz been treating me to drinks at Phuture.
i won't complain =)
i wonder if Josh really enjoys and appreciates being with me.
unlike his 2 best female friends. they think alot. really. damn philosophers.
Josh feels that they have lotsa issues against the world; they're complicated in themselves;
and they read so avidly that they probably can be walking current affairs talk shows.
they enjoy hiking, and painting. they're both studying law. they're good in E.Lit.
oh, plus side. they're pretty and eloquent too! brains and babe-licious altogether.
unlike them, i'm quick-tempered, and contradictory.
i don't think alot but only think of what i deem is important.
i enjoy current affairs but only certain interesting topics.
my English ain't anywhere fantastic.
i evaluate most things in life with money.
all in all, i am just a materialistic and realistic bitch.
a vain one at that too.
thus, i really question why is he even being with me?
i don't see many good points about myself.
oh well. i am not a good girlfriend too.
though i won't run away or anything, i lament insatiably.
i will complain openly why is that guy so rich, successful, articulate etc etc and why don't i get to meet such guys as my potential date. and i tend to reiterate it.
so much for being an appreciative girlfriend.
moral of the story:
don't say too much enough of your boyfriend. learn when to say the right things.
smile, be happy, shower them with tender love and care. leave out the negativities.
life would then be easier coz u don't have to take evrything too seriously.
Mile High Club
Velvet on Saturday is THE place to be.
many old pilots. lotsa pretty young stewardesses. Airline Nite.
rub shoulders with the rich and flashy. ride the fast car. savour the bubbly.
the beautiful people abounty. the fantastic music. the gallons of poison. the dim light.
it's a feast of the senses. a revelation of the self. an opportunity to break free.
i wish that the nite never ends. i yearn for a party that goes on forever and ever.
an escape from the humdrums of Singaporean life.
i want to be forever young. let me stay pretty and sexy for the next 20 years.
like many of the older air crew last nite. gorgeous at 35. c'est la vie.
let me live, just once. but live a beautiful life.
a kiss under the electric stars. a kiss which stops a moment in time.
that's me. a die-hard romantic though i hardly admit it.
1 of the best thing i dream of achieving is being able to dance under the full moonlight with someone i lived life together with for the past 50 years.
feel the sand beneath our feet. sway to the rhythm of of Samba music.
thanking God for blessing him into my life.
my husband should in fact be my best friend.
there need not be passionate romantic love (but of course a certain extent of special feelings).
but more importantly, there should be a deep mutual understanding and acceptance.
a best friend is about being there for someone and loving him/her for who they already are.
there'll come a time where we can wake up with dark eye rings under our lids,
fart while brushing our teeth and not feel embarassed.
compromise in challenging times, supportive in hard times.
right now. i just want to watch fireflies with that someone. play the guitar and sing a song.
dance with him, feel his body warmth and kiss under the electric stars.
pray together at Church. oh, he must be able to carry an intelligent conversation with me.
intellect is very important. many guys can be very nice to you, but few can carry a conversation.
however sometimes, silence is golden.
it's not that we have nothing to say hence it feels uncomfortable.
some things don't have to be said explicitly.
it's a telepathic communication between the hearts. i know what you're feeling without you saying it.
i want to know that he's mine and feel secure.
i want to be there for someone who needs me and yet loves me.
i want to quarrel with someone and know that i'll still give in to him willingly in the end.
i want us to learn something new about each other everyday for the next 40 years.
lately, i've been admiring younger guys. guys who are younger than me.
yes, call me a cradle-snatcher.
okay, i'm not that old. i am just a month past 20.
i'm alwiz attracted to either 18 year olds or 28s. both.
18 year olds are cute, fresh and naive.
they look young and cute. refreshing to my aged senses. the youthfulness.
they have the energy to party the nite away and skip classes the next.
they have big dreams. they take risks of playing the punk kid.
their thoughts are naive and idealistic. it's a quality i admire and wish i possessed.
in them, you don't find harsh realities of life and mundane worries.
they're like young red wines. fresh, fruity and tart. very lively nuances.
28 year old are refined, stable and matured.
they look handsome and experienced.
they are slightly established in terms of career.
they are willing to commit and settle down to form a family.
their thoughts are matured and realistic. gives me a sense of security.
in them, you find love, care and sensitivity.
they're like vintage red wines. matured, mellow and rich.
of course, this above description doesn't apply in all cases.
it's the idealistic Veen speaking here. i chose to generalize cases.
as much as i say that i love money, i'm not hard up for it.
i'm still looking for the someone i can lean on when i am feeling weak;
to achieve goals with together by pooling our resources; for my future kids to call Father.
whether they are 18 or 28 year olds, i haven't met/found the right one yet.
coz i've found one already. not the best fit but the right fit. i'm contented.
last nite met quite a few interesting people at phuture. they're Liz's colleagues.
a well mannered and gracious Korean by the name of Jung.
a cute young 18 year old called Kevin, who uncanningly resembles Jared.
and Rey. a friend i've known for 9 years.
it was indeed a fun nite.
i'm a walking contradiction. or maybe not. depends on how u see it.
when i am clubbing, i don't like people to know that i'm attached.
even if i am going with Joshua. neither do i like him to follow me around.
it's not that i want to meet new people and get picked up.
rightly, i just need a breather. i want to be just me. ME.
i don't want people to know my 'marital' status in public spheres until they ask me.
i do not need people to introduce me as so-and-so's girlfriend. i don't like it.
especially in the working society, it is best to keep such status an unknown.
i want to establish a platonic business relationship with many of the people i meet,
and expand my network. i view such status and boyfriend intrusions a hindrance to my work.
simply, there should be a vague demarcation as to where my social and private life ends and begins. definitely there'll be overlapping regions but i try to minimize it as much as i can.
often, i feel that my social life son't really need to include my boyfriend.
i don't need the whole world to know that i am attached.
i just feel bloody uncomfortable with it.
coz people will ask you how's your boyfriend; how's the relationship going etc etc.
it's irritating. and when you break up, the whole world knows as well.
after my last bad experience, i choose to keep my relationship-status low key.
out of the prying eyes of the public.
but the bottom line is: i love him.
Lent
attended Lent Mass yesterday.
Lent means 'because of Love'.
because of Love, God sent His only son down into chaotic world to redeem out sins.
He sacrificed His Son to extend to us eternal salvation.
my point is this:
in preparation of Lent, we ought to prepare our hearts and body for the renewal of faith.
let's fast, love and share.
Fast.
why 'Fast'?
don't take it too literally.
it's not only abstaining from food, but more importantly,
abstaining from things we do regularly. to empty ourselves of bad habits and sins.
eg. fast from cursing/swearing, fast from being mean and rude,
fast from clubbing and Internet-ing too much.
i.e. spend more time with family, spend time doing charity work,
be sweet and sincere towards people.
by fasting and abstaining from our 'daily rituals',
we are renewing our faith. coz we're making the effort to let Christ take priority in our lives.
Love.
love is a daily affair. not once a year. not twice a year.
love is not expensive and ostentatious as retailers would like us to believe.
Love is simple. it's never complicated.
obedience, forgiving, giving, caring... these are all forms of love. yes, compromising too.
Love means taking the time out to volunteer for the community.
old folks home, orphanage, hospice, SPCA. the less fortunate.
giving to those who don't have. that's the spirit of love.
Share.
share what?
confess our sins, brothers and sister.
share our problems and acts so as to gain forgiveness.
more importantly, share our blessings!
give joy and help to those who don't have joy and need help.
eg. see old ah-ma on mrt, give up your seat!
i'm not asking anyone to donate $20 or what. but it's the simplest acts that helps.
those who have too many books that you no longer use,
give it to the orphanages!
that's what i mean by sharing what you have.
in that process of sharing, you will bring joy to others.
we don't live alone on this Earth. we're not isolated beings.
let's make the world a better place to live in.
where my candle brightly lights,
i'm waiting for you to come home,
even if you want to go alone.
i pray fervently that you'll be blessed and guided.
the candle represents light, warmth and hope.
it conveys all my prayers in that tiny spark, radiating into a halo of light.
without the light and heat, the house is dark and cold.
we won't be able to see the truth.
when you see the truth, i know you will come home.
come home to God, to love, to security.
everyone is waiting for you.
i'm alwiz here, coz it's my calling.
i won't give up my hopes in you. Love.
beta block
i am having a hard time talking to Joshua these days.
tend to miscommunicate. the message doesn't gets through.
i don't know the problem lies in who. likely in both.
i find it tiring talking to him...
last Tues, i had late lessons till 4pm.
he ended far earlier at 12pm.
i told him to go home first since his Mum was chasing him.
but he wanted to wait. and i had to go to FCUK to change my shirt.
he refused to leave school and he didn't have lunch either.
by the time we got to Suntec, he was tired, hungry and late.
but everywhere's closed.
he started to throw temper.
look. i already told him to go home first.
and he should have eaten if he's hungry coz i had lunch already.
the canteen's open.
about FCUK, i can alwiz go myself to get my top replaced.
doesn't help if his Mum is chasing him.
i appreciate you waiting up for me long enough,
but since you did it willingly. then don't take it out on me.
there's nothing to talk to him about.
he's alwiz talking about school and his courses.
well, it's not that i don't want to help him but i can't do anything.
i can't dispense any wise advice either coz we've been through different situations.
so i can only listen.
apart from school, there's nothing we really talk about.
we have very varied interests too.
there's no common topic whatsoever.
certainly, when i am bored. i will ask him for ideas about how to self entertain.
the thing is this: when i complain that i'm bored,
means i am indirectly asking whether you wanna go out with me.
i am not asking you to suggest what i can do with my free time.
so everytime he suggests watching Amazing Race or American Idol. i will snap at him.
coz he didn't ask whether i wanna go out; and he jolly knows i don't like reality tv!
if you know me well enough, you won't suggest tv. get my argument here?
i've not seen him for the LNY PH break.
he's busy visiting so i rather he rest at home than rush out and see me.
knowing his Dad, he wants Joshua to be home whether or not they are going out.
i am fine doing my own stuff. i can do without seeing him for a few days.
so stop asking why i don't wanna meet you, but revise your own time schedule and energy.
Joshua feels that i am snapping at him too often lately.
maybe. i probably have been snapping at him too much for good.
well. then don't talk to me lah. don't see me, don't bother about me.
then i won't snap at you.
coz instead of helping, you tend to make things worst.
when girls grumble or lament,
they only want you to listen to them whine and keep your mouth shut.
they are not asking for suggestions. they just need an outlet.
nway, Joshua's not been feeling good lately.
whatever.
it's not that i don't put him in first place or think about him when i am making decisions.
maybe many of you would think that i care for Jared more than i care for Josh.
but Jared is like a kid, i need to worry about him. he constantly upsetting me.
i don't need to worry for Joshua. he doesn't upset me at all. not even once.
i know he'll be able to handle problems on his own.
he is also old enough to plan out his schedules etc and prioritize his time.
that's the difference.
i don't know lah.
i'm feeling vexed. i don't know what to do.
and Joshua is not a person who speaks his mind coz he don't wanna offend me.
cetain things, the more you dont't resolve them. the more complicated they become.
haywire
i hate LNY. freaking hot weather. freaking bad traffic.
i hate visiting people. pesky weird relatives.
irritating aunties and their hoards of noisy children.
the only place i like is my God-father's house.
why? coz there's no pesky relatives!
and 2 nice doggies!
how i wanna spend my LNY?
fly overseas. run away from those pesky people.
chill out at a beach resort or wooden cabin lodge by the lake in mainland SEA.
i crave for serenity and tranquility. fresh alpine air. full moonlight. cold morning dew.
rise to see the dawn approaching, illuminating the ancient temple's silhouette.
bloody wireless network in my house... it's not working!
it's so unstable! waste of money.
waste of Joshua's time to set up.
should be called haywire instead. fuck.
my trusting old 56K is far more stable a connection.
anytime. anywhere.
Jared & Co. and Lin Chang were at Zouk last nite.
Lin Chang's so 'funny'.
sms me "are you at Zouk? i'm here already".
hello! you didn't even tell/ask me whether i'm going or wil like to go,
so how can i be there?
i was fucking at home trying to self entertain myself.
haven't started on my work yet. got a few readings to do.
need revise some concepts and Thai lang. got a test coming up.
not yet start planning my sociological research module project as well.
it's due in 20 days. fucking tight schedule.
haven't had a good rest these few days either.
Grandma woke me up so early that i can't enjoy my sleep.. tired.
tired of living in Spore. tired of everything here. tired of people i face here.
Don wants to go out today. but i can't think of anywhere to go.
cinemas crowded, tickets sold out. the weather's so hot.
the malls are closed. cafes are closed.
really.... i have no idea where's good.
so we decided not to meet today. probably another day.
i'm not in really good mood either.
urgh.
Benson asked if Josh and i wanna meet tonite to ktv or chill out.
he, Xue Li and her bf are going.
i'm not keen. i don't ktv and chilling out is a waste of time coz i haven't done my work.
tmrw got tutorial at 9am. shit.
LNY
it's Lunar New Year (again!)
no, i'm not enthusiastic about it.
finally managed to wring out of the vicious cycle of visiting China town.
believe me. i hate China town.
freaking hot, crowded, noisy and bright. yucks.
i'll skip the bak-kua, baked goodies and other heaty stuff. too much sugar and calories.
God-Mother thinks that i'm on diet (again...) coz i didn't eat much tonight.
she jus intro-ed me to South Beach Diet nway. gonna read up more about it.
jus came back from reunion dinner with my god-parents and their son and my Grandma.
we had dinner at Kippo Chinese Rest at Keppel Club. under Tung Lok grp.
$ 300 for 6 people. and wasn't really nice...
thank God for blessing me with such wonderful god-parents, who has played the role of my surrogate family and supporting me in whatever i set my sights on.
they taught me more than moral teachings,
they taught me how to approach and live life with zest and fulfilment.
didn't manage to go clubbing. Jared disappeared and i'm rather tired physically.
don't even know whether i am meeting Jared this few days. i'll love to but i doubt he's available.
didn't get to change my FCUK top either. they were closed by the time i reached their boutique.
but i'm really happy with my 2 tops. funky t-shirts with bold designs. cost $118.
gift from Joshua. but i will return him the money lah. don't like do such things.
hmmm.... not really in a mood to write abt anything now.
i had a few observations earlier on these 2 days which i wnated to share,
but i can't remember them now... oh well... whatever it is, wish ya guys a prosperous NY!
don't eat too much and fall sick or get fat yah.
pre-rouge
had dinner at Pre-Rouge with Michele earlier tis evening.
hmm... we had vegetarian pizza and vegetarian penne.
all fughi, greens, and peppers. yay! say green!
the food was okay. the drink list was limited. the service was lousy.
don't think i wanna go back there again to eat. yucks.
probably wil hop down to Alley Bar for drinking. makes more sense.
but mind you, the drinks are not cheap.
i'll rather settle for New Asia Bar 3-9pm promotions.
or Siam Supper Club's Thurs nite specials. 1 for 1 beer.
or Bar Stop's 1 for 1 wines.
the only nice thing about Pre-Rouge is the music.
i realized a very bad habit about myself today.
i'm unappreciative of what i have. i alwiz having something to complain about.
i don't cherish my blessings and gifts.
as all of you know, Jared's been in NS for quite some time already.
when he is not around, i harp on the fact there's no one to go shopping with me.
there's no one to accompany me to buy clothes or pick the suitable stuff for me.
i wish that he's there with me whenever i wanna go shop around after class.
i wish that there's someone to club with me at Phuture on a Fri nite or watch silly movies.
but when he books out, and we go out shopping together.
i complain that Jared drags me all over Orchard, walking for miles and not settling on anything.
it's not that he can't decide what to buy. but he wanna view the entire collection first.
especially when each piece of clothing cost $170+. he's very particular.
everytime we go shopping, everytime i come back and say that i don't wanna go with him anymore coz it's so tiring.
see what i mean? i don't appreciate that fact that within his limited time out in civilization,
we're going shopping together, doing things we enjoy.
he could have been at home sleeping but he chose to come out with me.
i don't appreaciate the fact that we've known each other for a year after a brief r'ship.
any guy in those situations would probably pay lip service to "we're still friends".
whereas for us, we're still supporting each other as a friend, as a church mate, as a confidant.
it's really time i kick this habit and appreciate the people who loves me.
little things they do say alot how much i mean to them.
i should in fact express how much i appreciate and love them too. show them that i care.
Joshua, thank you for alwiz being there for me, showering me with love and care.
alwiz being there for me to hug, hold and scold. alwiz cheering me up and kissing me silly.
sorry for abusing you whenever i had a bad day, dragging u around wherever i go.
Jared, you've alwiz been that rebellious punk who knows me inside-out.
though we often disagree and throw temper at each other. you're very important to me.
there's no reason to why i alwiz give in to ur demands. i just enjoy doing so. letting you 'win'.
okay. i don't think i can finish appreciating everyone who i love in here.
but remember one thing, you're alwiz included in my prayers.
today's sermon said
"be the salt that brings flavour and 'oomph' to grey mundane life; be the light that brightens up the dark skies. a Christian life shouldn't be bland. ask yourself this: when was the last time you were happy; when was the last time u jumped in joy or watched the sunset and relax? or were you so caught up in work that you neglected to be happy? yes, you can choose to adhere to a salt-free diet and sleep when the sun sets coz there's no light. but what would you be missing out on? there's nothing to anticipate in excitment, there's no enthusiasm in such a monotonous routine life. let us be cheerful and enthusiastic people, who appreciate the smallest of joys. then, people will be attracted to us - the vibrancy of a Christ-driven life."
hate myself
i am just feeling lousy about myself now...
in fact, i hate myself to a certain extent.
was reading on emotions as related to power relations and social status.
as well as on empathy. how is empathy both an innate response and a social construct.
this 2 readings reminded of the past.
how i was manipulated by the bastard. how i empathized n fell for his trap.
how he abused me emotionally... how stupid i was.
seriously, i still can't get over the fact of how these managed to happen. to me.
and for why? i am feeling rather depressed now as much as i know that it's been a year since it happened. i hate myself for being weak and sensitive.
i detest myself for being gullible and stupid.
probably that's why i focus on my work. escapism.
but it's not working. i am nowhere near being an effective student who is exam-smart and articulate. definitely there's alwiz someone better than me. but i am not even good. despite putting in so much time and effort in my work. lack of insights and arguments. no originality. lack of opinions etc. and i had to give up opportunities of doing part time work. if i had money and passable results, i won't feel that bad. i am not hard up for honours or intending to trode the academic road. but i wanna be above the mediocre. i am just lousy.
i was feeling good about myself before i read those readings that associated with bad experienced. damn. it's detrimental.
was reading Eileen's friendster today.
jus for the fun of it. there's a link from my Friendster.
she scares me. she unbashedly proclaims that she loves money; she's materialistic etc.
she wants a not bad looking boyfriend. but most importantly, he must be well to do.
i don't know how to describe it but it really scares me to see what kinda person she is.
and what she's her goals in life. damn. she's now this fucking resonance in my head.
everytime i think about human evolution, the imagery of Eileen and the Bastard pops up in my mind synonymously. goodness gracious me. it reminds me of the demise of the human species.
can't imagine what kind of value she will impart to my children as a teacher.
sorry to say, but i despise people who do not have any spiritual values.
or least, moral values. people do all sort of hurtful despicable acts in the name of money.
i love money too. who doesn't?
but i love God, my religious teachings, my Bible and my family more than i love money and the good life it offers. people who worship materialism do not value God nor count their blessings.
they will only complain and lament about their unhappiness coz they are never satisfied.
neither will they speak or act in grace coz they're motivated by greed.
they will only be nice who have something to offer to them.
i really lost faith in humanity.
where is the love?
though i am very blessed and appreciative to have wonderful close friends, church mates and classmates, i still haven't recovered from the pain inflicted in the past.
the more i look at Eileen and listen to what she says, i can only feel cold fear.
what has happened to human and the society?
the more affluent we are, the more warped our values get.
what role does God play in today's social context? do people still believe in Him?
do they still live their lives adhering to His teachings?
i want to remind myself of my blessings. the love i am showered with.
the joy i recieve from little daily happenings. the health i am blessed with.
but the joyful events are alwiz overwhelmed by disappointment and sadness.
then again, people like the Bastard and Eileen and other weirdos are probably a rare case in the world. that's why intellectuals investigate them as subjects of interests with regards to matters of criminology, psychiatric disorders and the construction of the ego.
sometimes, i just wish that memories can be erased and only the loveliest ones retained.
Alan's Jap babe
= Cheesecake =
Loves raw squid sushi. yes, i meant s-q-u-i-d. sotong.
loves tequila poison. give her the shots! she loves them.
Hates both raw salmon sashimi and vodka.
Hates R&B / Hip Hop music.
= Kitty =
Loves raw salmon sashimi. especially salmon belly.
prefers Vodka much more than tequila. loves Chivas whisky best.
Hates both raw squid sushi and tequila.
Love R&B / Hip Hop.
ever wondered why these 2 managed to stay best friends for 4 years?
heh heh. well, we can't be too similar in our likes/dislikes/interests.
that'll be so boring right? we're pretty different in every percievable sense.
but the bottom line is, we have near-congruent moral and relationship values.
what we're thinking of, what we're going through, and what we anticipate out of ourselves and others are more or less the same. probably that's why we tend to understand each other well.
cheers babe!
**********************
went down to chill out outside Alley Bar last nite.
wow! nice place! very different from the inside of Alley Bar.
the interior plays urban lounge music... soft dim lights and a very modernized Peranakan decor.
there's 3 very tall, grand and imposing liquor cabinet. the poison beckons my addiction.
the outside is a total Balinized setting.
frangipani trees, potted palms, wooden flooring, candlelights, wooden couch...
throw in a white tropical gazebo too! got a waiter walking around offering free french fries!
nearby there's a guy playing Drum & Bass live.
it's been so long since we chilled out together. chatted over drinks.
enjoying this lush green space amidst the steel-concrete urban jungle.
felt so good. it's one of those rare nites i decided to ignore my piles of readings to just hang out and enjoy myself without prohibitions... =) sinful indulgence.
Life is the art of living, isn't it?
there was this ang-mo who recommended to us thatAlley Bar serves good food.
Mich and i concluded that everytime he recommends people to Alley Bar,
he can go to the cashier to collect 50cents. hahah! advertising efforts.
then again, there's really quite a few liquor infused cold desserts. must try them nex time!
of coz with our beloved Mensa Clique! or it won't be fun... !!!
they have some banana chocolate thingy. the perfect sin for Muck. heh heh!
Alan joined us at a later time.
ohh... he bought a new car! a 2 year rare edition of Honda Civic. parallel import from Japan.
it's sleek and black. fuel efficient. 1 full tank for 600km. rather strong road-holding abilities.
pretty spacious inside. very clean too! his car is such a babe!
his Civic is a really unique model. something u won't find easily on S'pore roads.
Differentiation from the norm is the perfect symbol of individuality.
Alan must be really bored to have asked us out.
Martin was resting at home, Benny was working.
poor Ah-Pek, no one to play with him on a Friday nite. that's why called us.
********************
going to Michele's hse nex Sunday for CNY lunch.
Muck wanna pee on her bed.
i wanna throw cookie crumbs on her floor.
Elaine wanna mess up her room.
Choon wil jus sympathize with her.
i wonder if Michele made the right choice of inviting us over. heehee.
power of Mensa unite! Shu Hui likely coming too! such a rare guest arrival!
hadn't seen my Doggie for last 48 hrs or so... sigh.
he can't go out freely. poor thing. locked up in cage.
oh well. i miss hugging him, bouncing on his pudgy tummy!
of coz, i love to abuse him. must alwiz scold-scold! demand the impossibles!
i am a mean kitty. yay!
but i love him all the same. all the same!
i don't wanna marry Doggie though... marriage is not my kinda thing.
marriage is not only a matrimonial vow, a sacrement in itself.
but it also means living with someone else for the nex 50 yrs.
and a marriage combines 2 totally alien families together. for the good or bad.
a whole lot of domestic poilitics follows. such horror isn't it?
i'll rather just escape to some tropical isle with my loved one.
set up an attap shack. happily ever after.
every day swim and tan. make love on the beach.
go out fishing for seafood. plant vege and herbs. cook some edible flowers.
bath naked under the tropical waterfalls... a simple life!
by the way, send me my British India linen clothes. all in earth tones. some shell accessories too!
get me a matching straw hat and slippers. aromatherapy candles.
Clinique's body moisturizers. sea salts for bath. and a queen sized bed with fluffy pillows!
okay okay.... i will go on a vacation instead.... i'm not rich enough to afford a tiny Pacific island! sob!
